My search for the silver lining

Its about me, my life, feelings, thoughts...just somewhere I can pour it all out and try and make sense of it all.

Location: New Zealand

I'm not a people person - prefering to talk to myself or my animals...obviously getting a better response from the latter most times, I'm getting old, have a sick sense of humour (so I'm told), crazy at times & did I mention old?

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Hearing impaired?


It seems when people hear or see that word they automatically switch off, they don't want to know about it, talk about it or understand it & it triggers a couple of emotions - ANGER & then HATE gets tangled up in the mess of emotions as well...which, I believe, is more than likely related to FEAR & GUILT.

What I don't understand & probably never will is the questions people have....its not "Why did they do this?", its "why did they or how could they do this to ME!!!"....what is with that!! and people say that we're selfish - we, the ones that contemplated suicide or succeeded in ending our lives.

See......lack of understanding!!

Not all of us do it to hurt the other person or persons in our lives, we do it because we could see NO other option, no pills, no shrinks, no amount of love could end the emotional & physical torture we were going through at the time other than death.
People don't realise the emotional pain you feel is so great is like you've been shot in the guts and left to bleed out slowly......That's what is was like for me , pain racked my entire body....BUT...Society says you're supposed to suck it strong....."you gutless bastard....couldn't handle it ya wimp so you take the easy way out eh?"

So many times I've heard people say that bullshit...oh and selfish....yes I was so very selfish for trying to end the pain I had....I couldn't have loved my family as much as I said I did & yes, I must of done it just to piss them off & yes the end result I wanted was for them to hate me for the rest of their lives! What a bunch of utter fucken BULLSHIT!...that shit is so far from the truth its not funny!

Why do people say they want answers "after the fact" then when you try & give it to them they totally disregard what you've said and become fucken hearing impaired!

It seems its easier to HATE the person that put you through this than UNDERSTAND what they must of been going through!

I am not lacking sympathy for these people at all, its always so sad when this happens but come on people...wake up....until you start LISTENING & UNDERSTANDING this will continue to happen & people will continue to lose their loved ones.

Do you think its so bloody easy to know by doing this you'll NEVER see your kids grow, never see them marry & have kids of their own, never be there to share their happiness, sadness? That for me was the biggest, hardest decision I've ever had to make or will ever make in my entire live...and the saddest....BUT....what use was I in that state?...I couldn't even function properly, couldn't get out of bed, couldn't think straight, couldn't sleep & couldn't get rid of the pain, I wasn't a mother or a wife & I wasn't going to put my kids or the rest of my family through the emotional hell anymore.
I had been to Doctors & Therapists, been put on antidepressants and other medication until I almost rattled when I walked, I was talked to til I could take no more in...but the thing was....nobody listened properly....yup, there was a lot of surface bullshit, but nothing was taken in & I was not taken seriously nor was I understood......understanding being the key!

When I contemplated this it was, in my way of thinking, to finally have peace, peace of mind & body, I didn't want to feel, think, hurt or fight anymore.

You see, when this happens, its not done out of anger or hate for the other was never my intention to hurt anyone...only to stop the hurt....

Never HATE the person....HATE the act


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