My search for the silver lining

Its about me, my life, feelings, thoughts...just somewhere I can pour it all out and try and make sense of it all.

Location: New Zealand

I'm not a people person - prefering to talk to myself or my animals...obviously getting a better response from the latter most times, I'm getting old, have a sick sense of humour (so I'm told), crazy at times & did I mention old?

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Hearing impaired?


It seems when people hear or see that word they automatically switch off, they don't want to know about it, talk about it or understand it & it triggers a couple of emotions - ANGER & then HATE gets tangled up in the mess of emotions as well...which, I believe, is more than likely related to FEAR & GUILT.

What I don't understand & probably never will is the questions people have....its not "Why did they do this?", its "why did they or how could they do this to ME!!!"....what is with that!! and people say that we're selfish - we, the ones that contemplated suicide or succeeded in ending our lives.

See......lack of understanding!!

Not all of us do it to hurt the other person or persons in our lives, we do it because we could see NO other option, no pills, no shrinks, no amount of love could end the emotional & physical torture we were going through at the time other than death.
People don't realise the emotional pain you feel is so great is like you've been shot in the guts and left to bleed out slowly......That's what is was like for me , pain racked my entire body....BUT...Society says you're supposed to suck it strong....."you gutless bastard....couldn't handle it ya wimp so you take the easy way out eh?"

So many times I've heard people say that bullshit...oh and selfish....yes I was so very selfish for trying to end the pain I had....I couldn't have loved my family as much as I said I did & yes, I must of done it just to piss them off & yes the end result I wanted was for them to hate me for the rest of their lives! What a bunch of utter fucken BULLSHIT!...that shit is so far from the truth its not funny!

Why do people say they want answers "after the fact" then when you try & give it to them they totally disregard what you've said and become fucken hearing impaired!

It seems its easier to HATE the person that put you through this than UNDERSTAND what they must of been going through!

I am not lacking sympathy for these people at all, its always so sad when this happens but come on people...wake up....until you start LISTENING & UNDERSTANDING this will continue to happen & people will continue to lose their loved ones.

Do you think its so bloody easy to know by doing this you'll NEVER see your kids grow, never see them marry & have kids of their own, never be there to share their happiness, sadness? That for me was the biggest, hardest decision I've ever had to make or will ever make in my entire live...and the saddest....BUT....what use was I in that state?...I couldn't even function properly, couldn't get out of bed, couldn't think straight, couldn't sleep & couldn't get rid of the pain, I wasn't a mother or a wife & I wasn't going to put my kids or the rest of my family through the emotional hell anymore.
I had been to Doctors & Therapists, been put on antidepressants and other medication until I almost rattled when I walked, I was talked to til I could take no more in...but the thing was....nobody listened properly....yup, there was a lot of surface bullshit, but nothing was taken in & I was not taken seriously nor was I understood......understanding being the key!

When I contemplated this it was, in my way of thinking, to finally have peace, peace of mind & body, I didn't want to feel, think, hurt or fight anymore.

You see, when this happens, its not done out of anger or hate for the other was never my intention to hurt anyone...only to stop the hurt....

Never HATE the person....HATE the act

Tuesday, September 20, 2005


Yet again another bloody wonderful morning.....hubby started his....fucken this, fucken that, moan, groan bullshit before work & as I'm sitting there looking at him all I could think of was "I see your lips moving but all I hear is BLAH BLAH BLAH!" It was quite funny actually, he's always over-the-top...always has to moan about something, he's soooooo fucken dramatic & everythings a big deal.

Maybe its a MAN thing.....Macho bullshit.....I'm the man of the house...I make the rules & don't you forget it....What a load of C . R . A . P....Who runs the household?....Who makes sure everybody gets feed, clothed, that the bills are paid.....certainly not the friggen man.....what a joke! ......and they say woman are moaners....I think we learnt from the best.

It doesn't affect me like it used to when I was sick, I would take it all on board & doubt myself....NOW its a different story....its like..."Ohhhhh, will YOU fucken shut up, if all you're gunna do is sit there & moan & bitch about SHIT ('cause thats all it is) go stand infront of the mirror, cause thats the only friggen person thats apparently interested in your bullshit!"...or I'll just sit there like I did this morning - pretending to listen.....

Sometimes I look at him & wonder why we're still together...why I've stuck around.... because I don't like the person he is at times....... is it like a habit?.....relationships I mean, you're just so used to having them around that you get into this mindset & really can't be bothered even thinking of leaving.

Don't get me wrong...he's a good provider & a blardy hard worker....we have our dream home.....2 cars....etc etc...BUT WHATS WITH THE BLARDY MOANING??????

Anyway..I haven't let it ruin this absolutely beautiful day...the suns shining, lambs baaa - ing, roosters crowing & the birds are singing in my little piece of paradise.....I'm thankful for this day & everyother day!

Monday, September 19, 2005


Thank you for giving my life back to me - for giving me another chance. I have watched my children grow into beautiful young adults whom I am so very proud of, I have had the chance to grow with them - to learn from them, to experience unconditional love - they have taught me how to love & be loved. Growing with them meant I could share in the beauty they saw through their child eyes - my childs eyes - my inner child.

They have taught me how to laugh openly, to cry openly - to feel ok with showing my emotions..........

I have become a whole person.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Should I be depressed?

Its my birthday today....39 yrs old, that is a biggie for me as years ago I hadn't dreamed of reaching 30.
Strange thing is I don't feel 39 & whats even stranger is I am always forgetting my birthday now...its the others that remind me....BASTARDS LOL. I feel like a youngin' trapped in an old persons body!!!!!!!!...HELLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!!

30 was a BIG turning point in my life...thats when the depression gradually got worse, I had it in my head that everything was down hill from then on, that my life was over. I was terrified of those blardy numbers & I don't know why.
When I was in my teens I could never imagine myself as growing old and always thought I'd die know the saying "die young & leave a good looking corpse", be buggered if I could imagine a wrinkled up old prune in a casket.
Its so strange looking back on these thoughts I had.
I do know when I was younger I had a great fear of old people, I was actually terrified of them & that was probably because of the abuse I had suffered as a child.

Hmmmm I sound like my therapist lol..

Now that I am well (although some in my family would dispute this LOL..including me at times...pmsl) "numbers" don't seem to frighten me, they are what they are.....just numbers...& its all about how you feel inside, if you're happy within yourself things just naturally fall into place!

soooooo here it is girl HAPPY BIRTHDAY 39 YEAR OLD!!!!!! I love ya & I'm proud of ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, September 08, 2005

1st borns birthday

Well, big day it was today, it was daughters 18th birthday, doesn't seem that long ago that I was changing her nappies & burping her, geeze time flies! It still surprises me that I have kids that old especially when I feel like a kid myself.
We went out of town & had a mother-daughter know, the kind of day where she shops & you pay LOL, I enjoyed myself & I know she did.
Talking of shopping...don't you find it annoying going into a shop & every 2 seconds have an assistant asking "do you need help?......have you made up your mind?....have you got any idea on what you looking for?.....GRRRRRRR in the end I wanted to grab the last one by the ears & shake her...geeze, do they teach them how to annoy a customer when they get the blardy job because everyone of them did it.

You know I never dreamed I'd hit the ripe old age of 39 (september) with an 18 year old daughter in tow....turning 30 scared the crapola out of me, I thought that was it, my life was over, I was old, nothing left to do other than wait to get wrinkled up & die. Now, I don't give a shit...I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm getting old and other that winning lotto (yea right! Dreams are free I suppose!) to remove those sags, bags & wrinkles when they come theres not a lot else I can do about looking like a withered up old prune LOL....but I'll still be standing here fighting Mr old age & giving him the big ol' finger!...."catch me if ya can you bastard!!!!!"

Anyway, back to my daughter.
18!!!!! WOW!!!!!
"I'm old enough to buy smokes!" - she doesn't smoke LOL
"I'm old enough to get into clubs!" - the nightmare begins LOL
"I'm old enough to drink & buy my own!" - yea yea whatever LOL
"I'm blardy 18!" - still not old enough to be blardy grounded! LOL
"Did you know...I'm 18!!" (she does a little dance) - Mum nods & smiles with fingers in her ears LOL.

Shes leaving home next year & I'm so going to miss my baby, shes going to get a degree in Advertising & Marketing....proud mummy here But for the life of me I dunno how shes going to look after herself. Shes never learned how to cook..never wanted to - "I can make toast & noodles...what more do ya want!" (pmsl) or "When I come home for the weekends you can cook me meals to take home & freeze" The blardy cheek of it LOL. Well its going to come as a big shock to her when she gets out into the big old wide world eh. can't live with them but you certainly can't live without them either!

Anyway...time to sign off, got to get ready for I love a blardy hole in the head LOL