My search for the silver lining

Its about me, my life, feelings, thoughts...just somewhere I can pour it all out and try and make sense of it all.

Name:
Location: New Zealand

I'm not a people person - prefering to talk to myself or my animals...obviously getting a better response from the latter most times, I'm getting old, have a sick sense of humour (so I'm told), crazy at times & did I mention old?

Monday, August 08, 2005

The walking snot machine returns

Well I cried & laughed, tried to make sense of the mess inside my head, tried to put it in some sort of order but I still feel the same, I dunno...are you supposed to come out feeling better after spilling your guts? I think you probably are...maybe I'm the exception, I do know that a blardy hour is NOT long enough to get rid of 7 odd years of piled up garbage I've been clinging onto like a horder. Whats with the hour sessions? Who made that stupid rule up? obviously someone who didn't need to see a therapist! So by the time I go back in 2 weeks what rubbish I got rid of during the 1 hour session will be replaced by more blardy rubbish....imagine I have a truck-load of garbage....I managed to throw out an apple core, thats how I feel.....

so how do you clear the back-log?

That is my question.

My very first ever therapy session was when I 14 and I have that burnt into my memory forever it was an eye opener I tell you! Parents thought they had better do something because their friends were telling them what a weirdo I was....now thats the pot calling the kettle black! Although I must admit, looking back I was very strange, but what did they expect!
I was sent to this "group therapy" because I went through a stage of hiding from people, we would be dragged to the parents friends & I would hide behind chairs - I couldn't be seen, I didn't want to be seen, I didn't want to be there....now people....this is at 13-14years of age...hmmmm, yup a little strange don't you think!
Anyway, the first day at therapy and I was taken into a room, weighed & had my head measured....WHAT THE HELL! I still can't understand why my head was measured, oh yea that really re-enforced the fact that I was a freak, then I was thrown into a room with other kids. I from the first day I knew I didn't belong...but that was the story of my life...not feeling like I belonged anywhere, I wasn't an arsonist, a thief, a prostitute or a runaway - although I did try to run away from home once...never again! I lasted 3 hours & man was I taught a lesson!
Well after the first "therapy" session I was told by the parents I had to attend on my own, I had to make my own way there - catching a bus to the next town on my own...I went 3 times then never went back....what was the point? I never spoke, they never cared & no-one noticed I was gone.

I was 18 when the parents threw me into another "therapy session" that too is burnt into my memory. I was "given" to a girl who had just come out of training...I think she needed the therapy more than me! That done it for me, I never went back to another one until I was in my middle twenties & yes the controlling mother picked yet another one for me because as you see I was a "raving lunatic" - her words - (boy I learnt from the best...thanks mum!) Do you know to this day they still have no clue as to why all their kids are so messed up because in their eyes they were wonderful parents & always used to tell people that & the fact that they were just unlucky to have such bastard kids, kids that never appreciated what they did for us...it was always "after all we did for you ungreatful pack of bastards & this is how you repay us!"
Ok..so we should we be greatful for the beatings, the constant put-downs, never feeling safe around your family & weirdo friends in fear of abuse...if thats what we should be greatful for then Thank you very much!!!!!!!!!! I am soooooo very thankful that I am now a "NUTTER" as you so lovingly put it because of what you did for me!


This is dedicated to those wonderful parents of ours...you know who you are...stand up & take a bow...you should be so very proud of yourselves

2 Comments:

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