My search for the silver lining

Its about me, my life, feelings, thoughts...just somewhere I can pour it all out and try and make sense of it all.

Location: New Zealand

I'm not a people person - prefering to talk to myself or my animals...obviously getting a better response from the latter most times, I'm getting old, have a sick sense of humour (so I'm told), crazy at times & did I mention old?

Sunday, August 07, 2005

The never ending story.......

Well folks I'm back, I'm continuing where I left off from my website. Who said life's easy eh?
Sometimes I feel I take two steps forward then something happens & I get knocked four steps back & I struggle to get back up to where I was at times...boy its hard!
I always feel as though I'm fighting.....fighting with myself & the feelings I have....loathing, self doubt, the major trust issues I have with people, whether its all worth it at times &...WHY THE HELL I'M HERE!!!!!!!! Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear...but then my kids appear..& theres my answer to one of the burning questions I have...they are why I'm still here...
But I'm confused...why I'm I STILL not happy? Oh don't get me wrong, I do have good days but the bad seem to overshadow the good lately. I'm going to see my therapist today, maybe she can shed some light on all this bullshit...I hope so cause I don't have anyone else to talk to about help me make sense of it all.
See folks, I'm a loner, I have no friends - my choice - I can't seem to let anyone get close, I don't want to let them get too close...just incase they don't like what they see....just incase they hurt with shutting my parents & the rest of my family out of my life I have a VERY VERY limited life line - hubby & kids, my 2 sisters (& my animals of course.)
It often makes me wonder how I manage to work, I work around people & people are one of my problems...I can't wait to get home every day so I can shut myself away from the prying eyes of the public...where I don't have to smile, speak, laugh at their jokes...where I can have peace....where people don't judge...where I'm safe.....people make me feel very uncomfortable. I have always said to my hubby if he dies before me I'll probably be a recluse...someone who never goes out, someone who sits at home with her animals, someone who the neighbours point and whisper about when they see me outside on the odd occasion LOL.

Anyway...enough raving..I better go get ready, I might pop back later on after my appointment if you're lucky LOL

Thanks for listening!

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