My search for the silver lining

Its about me, my life, feelings, thoughts...just somewhere I can pour it all out and try and make sense of it all.

Name:
Location: New Zealand

I'm not a people person - prefering to talk to myself or my animals...obviously getting a better response from the latter most times, I'm getting old, have a sick sense of humour (so I'm told), crazy at times & did I mention old?

Monday, August 08, 2005

The walking snot machine returns

Well I cried & laughed, tried to make sense of the mess inside my head, tried to put it in some sort of order but I still feel the same, I dunno...are you supposed to come out feeling better after spilling your guts? I think you probably are...maybe I'm the exception, I do know that a blardy hour is NOT long enough to get rid of 7 odd years of piled up garbage I've been clinging onto like a horder. Whats with the hour sessions? Who made that stupid rule up? obviously someone who didn't need to see a therapist! So by the time I go back in 2 weeks what rubbish I got rid of during the 1 hour session will be replaced by more blardy rubbish....imagine I have a truck-load of garbage....I managed to throw out an apple core, thats how I feel.....

so how do you clear the back-log?

That is my question.

My very first ever therapy session was when I 14 and I have that burnt into my memory forever it was an eye opener I tell you! Parents thought they had better do something because their friends were telling them what a weirdo I was....now thats the pot calling the kettle black! Although I must admit, looking back I was very strange, but what did they expect!
I was sent to this "group therapy" because I went through a stage of hiding from people, we would be dragged to the parents friends & I would hide behind chairs - I couldn't be seen, I didn't want to be seen, I didn't want to be there....now people....this is at 13-14years of age...hmmmm, yup a little strange don't you think!
Anyway, the first day at therapy and I was taken into a room, weighed & had my head measured....WHAT THE HELL! I still can't understand why my head was measured, oh yea that really re-enforced the fact that I was a freak, then I was thrown into a room with other kids. I from the first day I knew I didn't belong...but that was the story of my life...not feeling like I belonged anywhere, I wasn't an arsonist, a thief, a prostitute or a runaway - although I did try to run away from home once...never again! I lasted 3 hours & man was I taught a lesson!
Well after the first "therapy" session I was told by the parents I had to attend on my own, I had to make my own way there - catching a bus to the next town on my own...I went 3 times then never went back....what was the point? I never spoke, they never cared & no-one noticed I was gone.

I was 18 when the parents threw me into another "therapy session" that too is burnt into my memory. I was "given" to a girl who had just come out of training...I think she needed the therapy more than me! That done it for me, I never went back to another one until I was in my middle twenties & yes the controlling mother picked yet another one for me because as you see I was a "raving lunatic" - her words - (boy I learnt from the best...thanks mum!) Do you know to this day they still have no clue as to why all their kids are so messed up because in their eyes they were wonderful parents & always used to tell people that & the fact that they were just unlucky to have such bastard kids, kids that never appreciated what they did for us...it was always "after all we did for you ungreatful pack of bastards & this is how you repay us!"
Ok..so we should we be greatful for the beatings, the constant put-downs, never feeling safe around your family & weirdo friends in fear of abuse...if thats what we should be greatful for then Thank you very much!!!!!!!!!! I am soooooo very thankful that I am now a "NUTTER" as you so lovingly put it because of what you did for me!


This is dedicated to those wonderful parents of ours...you know who you are...stand up & take a bow...you should be so very proud of yourselves

Sunday, August 07, 2005

The never ending story.......

Well folks I'm back, I'm continuing where I left off from my website. Who said life's easy eh?
Sometimes I feel I take two steps forward then something happens & I get knocked four steps back & I struggle to get back up to where I was at times...boy its hard!
I always feel as though I'm fighting.....fighting with myself & the feelings I have....loathing, self doubt, the major trust issues I have with people, whether its all worth it at times &...WHY THE HELL I'M HERE!!!!!!!! Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear...but then my kids appear..& theres my answer to one of the burning questions I have...they are why I'm still here...
But I'm confused...why I'm I STILL not happy? Oh don't get me wrong, I do have good days but the bad seem to overshadow the good lately. I'm going to see my therapist today, maybe she can shed some light on all this bullshit...I hope so cause I don't have anyone else to talk to about it...to help me make sense of it all.
See folks, I'm a loner, I have no friends - my choice - I can't seem to let anyone get close, I don't want to let them get too close...just incase they don't like what they see....just incase they hurt me...so with shutting my parents & the rest of my family out of my life I have a VERY VERY limited life line - hubby & kids, my 2 sisters (& my animals of course.)
It often makes me wonder how I manage to work, I work around people & people are one of my problems...I can't wait to get home every day so I can shut myself away from the prying eyes of the public...where I don't have to smile, speak, laugh at their jokes...where I can have peace....where people don't judge...where I'm safe.....people make me feel very uncomfortable. I have always said to my hubby if he dies before me I'll probably be a recluse...someone who never goes out, someone who sits at home with her animals, someone who the neighbours point and whisper about when they see me outside on the odd occasion LOL.

Anyway...enough raving..I better go get ready, I might pop back later on after my appointment if you're lucky LOL

Thanks for listening!



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