My search for the silver lining

Its about me, my life, feelings, thoughts...just somewhere I can pour it all out and try and make sense of it all.

Location: New Zealand

I'm not a people person - prefering to talk to myself or my animals...obviously getting a better response from the latter most times, I'm getting old, have a sick sense of humour (so I'm told), crazy at times & did I mention old?

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Time To Say Goodbye

Another year is almost over, wow, where'd the time go?
Next month I'll be celebrating my 40th.....yep, you heard it right......CELEBRATING!!!!!!!!!!
I figure I can't stop it or turn the clock back so what the hell! Infact I am really looking forward to it
which is very surprising so I plan to welcome it in with a BANG.

I remember having this very talk with my hairdresser last month, my age came up and what a had in mind for my birthday and she, like a lot of people, could not believe I was turning 40 this year, man, I come out of there not only with my hair looking great but I felt great
She actually thought I was around 30 - 32ish at the most, which would have made me a dirty little slapper if you think about it - the age my kids are and


Turn 40 isn't such a big deal ya know, I love the person I am now, yep Im still a weirdo, a lil crazy at times, I have a sick sense of humor and rarely do I act my age, but that's what makes me ME, noone else like it in the world, I'm one of a kind...when they made me they threw away the mould....faulty?...maybe...pmsl.

I now know what people are on about when I hear that comment "Life begins at 40" because that's how I feel.
Hearing it as a youngin I used to laugh at the oldies and think "yea yea keep laughing, you'll be dead soon ya old fart".....and here I now my kids think the ironic!

Two of my kids have left home now, yep, I did have a little of the "empty nest bullshit" going on but didn't take long before I was over that, I have one left at home and am loving it! Best thing that could have happened for me - don't
get me wrong, I miss them heaps and love seeing them...but it's time to let go, move on and get on with my life.
It put things into perspective, gave me time to think, sort a little shit out and in the process I got to know me a little better, not me the mum, the wife, the fixer of all, the chief cook and bottle washer....just plain old Karen the woman.

Through this process I have come to the realization that hubby and I no longer have much of a connection, that our connection was the kids and that's all it was, we are two totally different people on two totally different paths.
I do love him and probably will always love him for what he has given me, but have never been in love with him which is the difference, I have never been in love full stop and at this age I want the chance to experience that.
I don't want to make do anymore, I don't want to stay just for the companionship, I need more.
I have sacrificed my life so my kids could have a good life, like a lot of woman do, its now time for me.

Its time to say goodbye......
goodbye to the 30something mother, wife, needy no lifer
and welcome the

Welcome girl!!!! I'm looking forward to spending time with you!

Friday, January 06, 2006

Over the Hill?

A lovely start to the morning.....
Just as I had, for the past week, being trying to convince myself that this was not happening- nor will it ever happen to me, that somewhere, somehow, someone had made a VERY big mistake about that number on my birth certificate, that there is NO way in hell that I could be turning 40 this year!
it happened....
While sitting at the dining room table with a coffee and a smoke this morning, reading lastnights paper, I happened upon an article "Age is the age - old question" by a Wellington - based freelance writer....and of course I had to read it, thinking there would be tips & tricks to get rid of these age-lines that are quickly appearing all over...... unwanted & definately should not be there at my young age...

Boy......was I ever wrong!!!!!!!

Heres the article:

I write this as a middle - aged woman. At 30, I considered myself in my late 20s; at 39, I was in my mid - 30s; now, at 40, there is no getting away from it.
Even more depressingly, I realise I have made the crucial tactical error of leaving it far too late to start lying about my age.
Even if I attempted to deny the evidence on my birth certificate, all the signs of middle - age are there. I have strong views on the declining standards of politeness among shop assistants; I bore children with anecdotes about School C, corporal punishment and fountain pens; I willingly spend Sunday afternoons in garden centres.
I would rather watch America's Next Top Model than go clubbing; I refuse to attend any gigs without seating; I asked for a foot spa for my birthday; and I heartily disapprove of Kate Hawkesby's wardrobe.
A few weeks ago, for several nights in a row, I felt an uncomfortable pressure on the bridge of my nose every time I lay down. I attributed it to sinus trouble, then to stress, before realising it was the formation of a new wrinkle.
I don't yet resemble Keith Richards, but there are barely visible grooves on my face that trace the route of future wrinkles, like the butcher shop posters that show farm animals marked out with the dotted lines that will determine which cuts of meat they are to be turned into after death.
Turning 40 has made me realise that, extraordinarily, I must have passed a physical peak. I can hardly imagine when that might have been but I'm enormously relieved I didn't know at the time. The hope of improvement was the only thing that kept me going.
I have a clear visual memory of sitting next to a middle - aged woman as a child and comparing my smooth brown legs in their red shorts with the fleshy, pitted, heavily veined legs, revealed by the woman's hitched - up sundress. How could she bear being inside that body, I wondered.
When you're young, you think your body is as fixed and reliable as the colour of your eyes. You can't imagine it deteriorating or losing its strength or changing in ways that make you unrecognisable to yourself.
Women, I think, approach ageing differently from men. Men are afraid of death while women worry about the loss of what they once were. Perhaps women fear death less than men because those of us with children have come to regard another life as more important than our own.
We've already moved off centre stage. The onset of middle - age seems a confirmation of that decision rather than the start of a new process.
Shortly before Christmas, I spent several minutes trying on a beautiful length of tweedy green fabric in the mirror of a crowded gift shop before remarking to the owner that it was rather short for a scarf. That's because it was a table runner, she barked.
This is exactly the sort of thing that happened to me all the time at the age of 16, when I was able to comfort myself that I would no doubt become far more competent with age. I no longer have any hope of that. I have accepted that I will remain an incorrigible bungler.
But while middle age is largely about the acceptance of painful home truths, it is also a time when the way ahead seems that much clearer. I now realise that heardly anything really matters - work least of all.
I know that the auspicious, long - awaited moments always disappoints and that joy cannot be planned or scheduled. Picnics on the beach, dog walks in the park and wet Sunday afternoons spent in front of a roaring fire with a friend and a bottle of Talisker are far more reliable paths of happiness than anything you can buy in a shop.
H L Mencken, the early 20th - century US satirist, once wrote: "The best years are the 40s; after 50 a man begins to deteriorate, but in the 40s he is at the maximum of his villainy."
Times have changed since then, and I hope that women as well as men can feel entitled to be at the maximum of their villainy in their 40s. It's something to aim for, at least.

Although it's a lovely article, yes I do admit it, I am still not convinced.....
How can I be turning 40 this year?
There is NO way I'm a MIDDLE - AGED woman...I mean, how can that be? Something went wrong somewhere!
Have I been asleep while this has happened? 20 years couldn't have gone by THAT fast!
I mean....for christ seems like only yesterday I was this young beautiful, blonde with a tight, toned body....I woke up one day and in her place I find this strange woman, a woman with greying hair, boobs that will only stay looking perky when in a bra - without one they have a tendency to meet up with your belly button, a stomach that has somehow taken on the form of a plate full of jelly....can't run....I feel as though I'm in the middle of a bloody earthquake...everything shakes, I try desperatly to find any hint of muscle....seems the only well toned part of my body now is my bloody feet!
What went wrong?
I always thought I'd have the same body - look the same as I got older....boy, the things we take for granted eh?
People say you're only as old as you feel....and I say blah!
I might feel like I'm still 19 - 20 but noone can see your mind....they see the outside package and that never lies..

Does that mean I'm over the hill?

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Where's it gone?

Christmas is over, a shit-load of money spent & I'm sitting here on my own - hubbys gone back to work, youngest is off camping with cousins, son is off in his car (now he has his licence back) & oldest is still in bed..... the house is so feels so empty...
Is this what its going to be like in a couple of years?
Is this how its going to feel when the kids leave home? the hell am I going to cope?
Everything I do revolves around my kids, my kids are my life.
What will I do when they've gone?...I have nothing.....
I think I've only stuck it out here so my kids could have a good they wouldn't want for anything....and in that process I've lost a big part of me.......I've lost time......where's it gone????

I'm too old to start thinking of career choices, I think I've left that a bit too late at the ripe old age of 39, I'm going to need something too keep my mind occupied over these next couple of years as the kids decide to go off & explore on their own, otherwise that "empty nest syndrome" I've heard so much about will jump up & slap me in the face!

When the kids were little & driving me around the bend I remember thinking....."bloody hell...I can't wait for the day when they're old enough to move out!" its like I wanna slap myself silly for ever thinking that, the time just flies by so damned fast & all of a sudden they've grown up into these beautiful young adults that I admire & love so much and are about to venture on their own journey of life without me does make me so happy & proud...but a big part of me feels so sad & lost also.
Christ sakes I cried when the 2 oldest got their licence because I felt they didn't need me as much as they used to ( I didn't let them know that tho otherwise they would've used it to their advantage..haha)...& if thats anything to go by you can just imagine how this lot is going to affect me.....I'll soon know....4 weeks and counting.....the oldest leaves to start her degree at the end of January!

Time to do some serious thinking about my life I think.......

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Hearing impaired?


It seems when people hear or see that word they automatically switch off, they don't want to know about it, talk about it or understand it & it triggers a couple of emotions - ANGER & then HATE gets tangled up in the mess of emotions as well...which, I believe, is more than likely related to FEAR & GUILT.

What I don't understand & probably never will is the questions people have....its not "Why did they do this?", its "why did they or how could they do this to ME!!!"....what is with that!! and people say that we're selfish - we, the ones that contemplated suicide or succeeded in ending our lives.

See......lack of understanding!!

Not all of us do it to hurt the other person or persons in our lives, we do it because we could see NO other option, no pills, no shrinks, no amount of love could end the emotional & physical torture we were going through at the time other than death.
People don't realise the emotional pain you feel is so great is like you've been shot in the guts and left to bleed out slowly......That's what is was like for me , pain racked my entire body....BUT...Society says you're supposed to suck it strong....."you gutless bastard....couldn't handle it ya wimp so you take the easy way out eh?"

So many times I've heard people say that bullshit...oh and selfish....yes I was so very selfish for trying to end the pain I had....I couldn't have loved my family as much as I said I did & yes, I must of done it just to piss them off & yes the end result I wanted was for them to hate me for the rest of their lives! What a bunch of utter fucken BULLSHIT!...that shit is so far from the truth its not funny!

Why do people say they want answers "after the fact" then when you try & give it to them they totally disregard what you've said and become fucken hearing impaired!

It seems its easier to HATE the person that put you through this than UNDERSTAND what they must of been going through!

I am not lacking sympathy for these people at all, its always so sad when this happens but come on people...wake up....until you start LISTENING & UNDERSTANDING this will continue to happen & people will continue to lose their loved ones.

Do you think its so bloody easy to know by doing this you'll NEVER see your kids grow, never see them marry & have kids of their own, never be there to share their happiness, sadness? That for me was the biggest, hardest decision I've ever had to make or will ever make in my entire live...and the saddest....BUT....what use was I in that state?...I couldn't even function properly, couldn't get out of bed, couldn't think straight, couldn't sleep & couldn't get rid of the pain, I wasn't a mother or a wife & I wasn't going to put my kids or the rest of my family through the emotional hell anymore.
I had been to Doctors & Therapists, been put on antidepressants and other medication until I almost rattled when I walked, I was talked to til I could take no more in...but the thing was....nobody listened properly....yup, there was a lot of surface bullshit, but nothing was taken in & I was not taken seriously nor was I understood......understanding being the key!

When I contemplated this it was, in my way of thinking, to finally have peace, peace of mind & body, I didn't want to feel, think, hurt or fight anymore.

You see, when this happens, its not done out of anger or hate for the other was never my intention to hurt anyone...only to stop the hurt....

Never HATE the person....HATE the act

Tuesday, September 20, 2005


Yet again another bloody wonderful morning.....hubby started his....fucken this, fucken that, moan, groan bullshit before work & as I'm sitting there looking at him all I could think of was "I see your lips moving but all I hear is BLAH BLAH BLAH!" It was quite funny actually, he's always over-the-top...always has to moan about something, he's soooooo fucken dramatic & everythings a big deal.

Maybe its a MAN thing.....Macho bullshit.....I'm the man of the house...I make the rules & don't you forget it....What a load of C . R . A . P....Who runs the household?....Who makes sure everybody gets feed, clothed, that the bills are paid.....certainly not the friggen man.....what a joke! ......and they say woman are moaners....I think we learnt from the best.

It doesn't affect me like it used to when I was sick, I would take it all on board & doubt myself....NOW its a different story....its like..."Ohhhhh, will YOU fucken shut up, if all you're gunna do is sit there & moan & bitch about SHIT ('cause thats all it is) go stand infront of the mirror, cause thats the only friggen person thats apparently interested in your bullshit!"...or I'll just sit there like I did this morning - pretending to listen.....

Sometimes I look at him & wonder why we're still together...why I've stuck around.... because I don't like the person he is at times....... is it like a habit?.....relationships I mean, you're just so used to having them around that you get into this mindset & really can't be bothered even thinking of leaving.

Don't get me wrong...he's a good provider & a blardy hard worker....we have our dream home.....2 cars....etc etc...BUT WHATS WITH THE BLARDY MOANING??????

Anyway..I haven't let it ruin this absolutely beautiful day...the suns shining, lambs baaa - ing, roosters crowing & the birds are singing in my little piece of paradise.....I'm thankful for this day & everyother day!

Monday, September 19, 2005


Thank you for giving my life back to me - for giving me another chance. I have watched my children grow into beautiful young adults whom I am so very proud of, I have had the chance to grow with them - to learn from them, to experience unconditional love - they have taught me how to love & be loved. Growing with them meant I could share in the beauty they saw through their child eyes - my childs eyes - my inner child.

They have taught me how to laugh openly, to cry openly - to feel ok with showing my emotions..........

I have become a whole person.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Should I be depressed?

Its my birthday today....39 yrs old, that is a biggie for me as years ago I hadn't dreamed of reaching 30.
Strange thing is I don't feel 39 & whats even stranger is I am always forgetting my birthday now...its the others that remind me....BASTARDS LOL. I feel like a youngin' trapped in an old persons body!!!!!!!!...HELLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!!

30 was a BIG turning point in my life...thats when the depression gradually got worse, I had it in my head that everything was down hill from then on, that my life was over. I was terrified of those blardy numbers & I don't know why.
When I was in my teens I could never imagine myself as growing old and always thought I'd die know the saying "die young & leave a good looking corpse", be buggered if I could imagine a wrinkled up old prune in a casket.
Its so strange looking back on these thoughts I had.
I do know when I was younger I had a great fear of old people, I was actually terrified of them & that was probably because of the abuse I had suffered as a child.

Hmmmm I sound like my therapist lol..

Now that I am well (although some in my family would dispute this LOL..including me at times...pmsl) "numbers" don't seem to frighten me, they are what they are.....just numbers...& its all about how you feel inside, if you're happy within yourself things just naturally fall into place!

soooooo here it is girl HAPPY BIRTHDAY 39 YEAR OLD!!!!!! I love ya & I'm proud of ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!